Just About To Give up In The Faith And The Search

Well as my title says "Im just about to give up in the Faith and the Search"

What Im seeing at this point in time are people out there that say that they are "Christians" but there actions are not of one. Also there are people out there that arent "Christians" and act better than the so called ones.

My mind is so very confused this last week. I was thinking that im wasting my time and energy trying to understand what a "Christian" is. If it was what I have been seeing and hearing from them I really want no part of it. It just seems that you can do what you want and say what you want and there should be no consequences because they are "Christians" they go to church they volunteer blah blah blah!!

This past week has been HORRIBLE for my wife. She has been deeply hurt by "so called Christians" and she is at her wits end. She wants to act on the actions of these people but knows that they would be wrong and she has not acted. Dont get me wrong these people have hurt me also but I just let it roll off me and I have learned not to react, I think not reacting can say more than reacting.

My wife has been very edgy to say the least. Shes acting like I used to do, snapping at everything and everyone for what ever reason. Keeping things boxed in. I think she doesnt have anyone to talk to or that would understand what she is feeling. I think that she does have friends to talk to she just needs to to can I vent to you!

I consider my wife a "Good Christian". She does allot for her Teen Mops and cares so much for those girls. They need so much help and they need that unconditional love. She loves all of them UNCONDITIONAL" no matter what their past or what they have done or doing now. She does it with not expecting anything in return but to help make a life change for the better. She also knows a bunch about the bible and can quote things out of it and apply the quotes to life and situations that are going on with people. She tries to live her life as a "Good Christian" and if she makes a mistake she knows it and asks to forgiveness.

So last Friday night I was at the point to just throw in the towel with the bible and JC and the whole christian thing.

We have friends that their "kid" plays bball at The Fox on Sat mornings. So I got up VERY early in the morning to go watch him play. Well I get there and guess what, he was done last week. Also every third week at the Fox they have Mens Breakfast. So I was there and I decided to go. I knew NO ONE so I sat down in the corner all by my self. After a bit the room started to fill and people had to sit by me. Let me tell you not one of the men even said Hi to me. So again I asked myself would a good "Christian" say hello and make someone feel welcome? I would think so. I know you say "You could of said something". Yes, I could of but Im scared of everyone there!!! Not physically but religiously. Im afraid they will ask me about religion things that I have No idea about. Or ask me what church I go to or when I accepted JC or ask me to pray with them, "I have NO idea how to pray"! But no one spoke to me anyways.

So I was sitting out at a table checking voice mail and after I was done someone came up to me and sat down. It was Pastor GUY the big cheese himself. I thought to myself on no what is he going to ask me. Would he say I wasnt welcome or quiz me about the bible. Ya know what, he just like anyone else. Just a person that likes sports, has kids (one thats a keeper), hurt his knee, just a real guy!!! We talked about some things and he knows that I havnt accepted JC yet. He told me that it may take weeks, month, even years until Im ready. He assured me that I was welcome anytime at Fox. That made me feel MUCH better and I wont think he will be looking at me thinking that I shouldnt be there.

Sunday my wife and I went to church and it was a BLAST!! P Guy makes it so fun and enjoyable. I could listen to him all the time and now knowing hes just a guy makes it more fun to listen to him. He goes through the same things you or I do.

He had us read a quote from the bible.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Make sense to me!!
My daughter and I read the whole thing last night. It was nice.

"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control"

That is SO totally me!!!!! A FOOL!!!! I always just speak whats on my mind and it just comes out as Im thinking it. I speak without thinking.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue"

"You can speak truth and bring Death"

WOW that is so me!!!!!! Now ive never killed anyone by my words but I know I sure have hurt people. For that I am sorry and ask forgiveness from them.

I will take those quotes to heart and Think before I speak and also try to realize that even speaking the truth could hurt and when is the time to speak the truth and when is the time to just bite my tongue.


Im not going to give up yet!!!!

If I can relate myself to some of these quotes I must be learning something and apply to my life and family.

How And Who Can Give Me The Answers

I just have a lot of questions that would be nice to get an answer for.


In the past few months I have really feel like Im been going through some changes (for the better I think). Im looking at things different, my actions are different and my thoughts are changing.

I know that by these things happening it is affecting people around me. Some people like it and I come to be live some not liking it to much.

You may ask what type of changes, here's a few that I know.

I go to Church when ever I can and LISTEN and take to heart what Im listening to.

I dont yell in my home anymore.

I try not to swear anymore and speak more positive.

I spend more quality time at home with my family.

I listen to my wife.

I have tried to forgive people that have hurt me.

I have tried and asked for forgiveness from people who I have hurt.

I think about the re-actions of my actions a bit more.

I try to help people that need it even if they dont ask for help.

I try to read the bible and understand it (much easier with the new one my wife got me).

I really try and want to believe everything in it.

Ive stopped spending so much time with people that are not good influences for me and or family.

I want to spend time with good influences "they are always busy"

I dont talk about people behind their backs or bad mouth people.

I could go on and on.

So why are "bad" things still going on and happening to me and my family.

Why do the people I ask forgiveness from cant?

Why do people continue to bad mouth me?

Why do people try to hurt me though hurting my wife?

Why cant people understand and be happy for me and my changes?

Why do some people think Im crazy for wanting to spend time with my family?

Why?


Dont get me wrong I have a LONG way to go with things. I need to work on lots of stuff.

By far Im not perfect and have I done bad things in my life. YES. Have I hurt people with words? Yes. Actions? Yes. Will it happen again? I hope not but it could and maybe with out me knowing Im doing it.

A lot of you know I coach youth soccer and I really want to start to use what Ive learned and what Im doing in my life with my teams. How do I do that? I dont want to look like a "bible thump er". Also Im in no position to preach things I have so much to still learn. Now a days religion is such a fine line.

But I feel that the lessons Im learning isnt just religion its a way of life and a way that I feel people should do and act out in their life , even if they have never gone to church. Do you understand?

So is there a way to intertwine those lessons without seeming like Im shoving church done their throats?

I really feel it can make my teams stronger as a whole at home and on the field.

How do I explain to friends that I dont want to lead my life the way they are without hurting them or them being made at me. I dont want to stop being friends , just not include myself so much with their activities?

I know my son is confused with me right now. He sees the changes and thinks they are weird or something. Do I sit down with him and try to explain why I am doing this or do I wait for him to come to me?

Will my new feelings make me a weaker person? Im the type of person that really has never cared about what people thought of me. I could care less. But now I catch myself feeling bad or kinda sad when I hear people dont like me or are talking bad about me. Is that weakness.

Will I ever feel strong enough to accept JC into my life and will he accept me?

When will I know that its the time?

If anyone can help with any of this PLEASE do so!!!!!!!!!

Trust, Gossip and Family

Well its been awhile for me to post. Lots been happening with my family and it just seems like there is not enough time in the day anymore to live life let alone blog.

Lets see , Im gonna jump around here a bit and type as things come to mind.

Trust.

OK, we have a friend that we borrowed some cash to a few years ago and he did pay it back but it took FOREVER to get it back from him. This is a person that is going through some really bad family problems, divorce, a child with a physical handicap and another little boy and a high pressure job. This has been going on with him for a few years now. And also $$$$ problems (mainly due to all the medical bills for his daughter). He LOVES his children and would do anything for them. Well I am ALWAYS trying to call him, talk to him , you know just be there for him if he needs someone. Well for some reason he never calls back or takes advantage of me wanting to be there for him. Maybe he is embarrassed of all his problems and sees me and my family so perfect (yeah right). But I do consider him a good friend even though he doesn't talk to me much.

Well last Monday I called him at his job and he ANSWERED his cell. I asked whats up and I could tell something was wrong. He was almost in tears from his voice. I asked what was wrong, and he said he had gotten himself into a major problem.

What he did was "borrow" some cash in a deal to pay some back property taxes or he was going to loose his house. He was going to submit the deal that Friday with the money from his bonus check. Well someone saw the deal and asked the head people "why it wasn't in yet". The V.P. took him into his office and he came clean and explained why he did it. The V.P. wanted this to stay on the down low but he had to have the cash turned in with the deal that day or he had no choice to "let him go".

Ok, now he NEVER even asked for us to help him out and never insinuated it to me. He just said he needed to go and try a figure things out.

So I know we can help him out until Friday with cash that I needed Friday for a bill. I call my wife and told her about what was going on and I told her I wanted to help him. Well she was surprised I think because of the last time. She wasn't really for it but she said she could tell it was something I really wanted to do, so it was up to me. But to remember if he doesn't pay it back on Friday that Im up a creek.

I REALLY thought he would pay it back right away. So I called him up and he was in a meeting at that point with the V.P.. I asked him if he was able to take care of his problem and he said NO and he was going to be fired in a few minutes. At that point in time I told him to tell his boss that it was taken care of and would be in by days end.

We took care of it and he had his job. He couldn't believe that I helped him out because he feels hes not the best of friends because of how he blows me off so much. I told him that Im a unconditional friend and would always be there for him.

Friday came and he paid back every penny!!

So for those of you who read this.

Is he a bad person for doing what he did?
If it meant saving your house for your children would you do the same thing?

JOB 38:41 "Who provides food for the raven when its young cry out to god and wander about for lack of food"

I feel he had no other choice to provide. Its hard to say what you would do in that position.

Gossip:

I really wish people would stop it!!

I asked this person to read Proverbs and maybe it would help them. There is a lot about gossip in there.

Family:

Wow, where do I begin I could write forever!!!

My son wrecked his car "his fault". My daughter broke her foot "her fault". My wife fell and hurt her leg " houses fault". So it has been VERY edgie around here and I feel like im on pins and needles sometimes.

This has really tested our family and me. With all this going on I used to just blow and yell and leave go to soccer and be in my own world.

Ive done the best I can. We haven't been able to go to church the last 2 weeks due to snow. It s been hard I feel myself slipping back into old ways but I caught myself but not hearing P Guy and his talks I think I need that.

We went this Sunday and it was about marriage "For Better Or Worse". It is great what P Guy says gods wants us to do in marriage. The word "Unconditionally" came up. We should LOVE our wives all the time with that word. The wives should respect us guys that word all the time. Thats what god wants.

One last thing. The church is planning on going to Africa for a mission trip and I REALLY WANT TO GO!!! There is something inside me that is telling me I need to go. Maybe it will be the turning point with me accepting JC.
My wife doesn't want me to go because she cant at this point, I would really love to do something with her in the future when time allows and kids grow.

I just really hope the JC comes to her and shows her that is something he wants me to do and I can go with her blessing.


'

Friday Night Fun And Friends

OK, about two or so weeks ago my wife asked me if I would go to a Couples night at Fox River. She knew I had soccer that night also and I bet she was expecting the same answer as always, "cant the u13 boys play gotta coach". But to her surprise I said "SURE" I'll ask my assistant to coach the last game".

Let me tell you I HAD A BLAST!!! I wish it was longer and we didn't have to go.

Our friends Debbie and Dan asked us to be their guests and sit with them. There was child care for the kids so no kids to watch also.

The menu was Tex Mex!! My favorite and Dan and I were the first in line! They were also serving Jones drinks! Let me tell you there were about 20 different flavors and Dan and I said we were going to drink one of each that night.

So we ate and ate and ate and drank Jones drinks until we were going to explode!!!! The food was great! We also met Debbie's brother and wife and some other people that go to Fox River. Very nice and fun people.

As the night went on they played some games and Dan and I even were a team making brownies blind folded. I was the hands and Dan was the eyes. We really won but didn't want to make the loving couple feel bad. "they cheated only cracked one egg!!!!"

But that game reminded me of something P Guy said last Sunday about service. "A hand without a body isn't as good as a hand working with a body. "I know that may not make sense to you but did to me" I needed Dans eyes to help me make the batter and Dan needed my hands to make the batter. Working together made it work. Just like serving together more can get done.

P Rob also gave a talk about How God wants Us to Treat People. TREAT YOUR NEIGHBORS AS YOU WOULD TREAT YOURSELF. He also talked about working at making your different types of relationships better. Not taking them for granted.

I have totally taken my relationship with my wife for granted for the past 13(?) years. I will now try and change that and let her know that I am thankful for what we have.

My relationship as a father also I feel could use some work also, I have been working on that for sometime now. I can honestly say I have not raised my voice to anyone in my house for about three weeks now. I have been trying to deal with things with a level head, and it has been working with my 8 year old, for the most part.

My relationship as a friend needs to change a bit also and I feel it has but in a way you may not think. I have seen that I give too much of myself to "friends" and not enough to my family so that I'm trying to change also.

So now we have this snow storm last night and I was out shoveling this morning all by myself. Just about all our neighbors have snow blowers and were out and they all saw me busting my back shoveling and not one offered to help by blowing my drive.

Now this bothered me, but not because no one helped me. But if there are people out there that cant shovel or really needed help would those people offer to help? When we did have a blower I went all over and blew driveways for everyone with out anyone asking, I just did it.

So after I got shoveled out I had to go to the shop for a bit and I went out looking for people that needed help shoveling snow. By that time everyone was shoveled out. But I had a shovel in my truck just in case. But I did help a cop catch a lost dog and found its owner.

So now we are getting this blizzard. More snow to shovel. Lets see if anyone helps tomorrow.

Also another thing that is bothering me is my wife says we may not be able to go to Church because of the snow. That's REALLY bugging me. Ive been looking so forward to going and if we don't go it will bug me all day.

For me to say that is weird because like I said in past posts I don't go to church. Now I'm feeling if I miss Church I'm letting someone down. Kinda like if I miss a soccer game or practice I'm letting the team down. And if you know me I DON'T let the teams down. But who am I worried to let down if I don't go to church, myself, family , P Guy?


Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." - I Peter 4:10

So I have been asking myself what gift do I have to serve others. I truly feel I have no gift to serve. I really have been searching for my gift but when will I know I have found it?

So remember WORK ON ALL YOUR DIFFERENT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIPS!!!

Where Have I Gone Wrong ???

Ok I "Was" going to post about Love today, but I really need to post about this subject and try to figure out "where I have gone wrong"

My post today is about being "Self Centered"

Lets go back a few hours. I was going to my daughters school, to pick her up. I pulled up and she was smiling and couldn't wait to tell me about her Valentine party today. We drove home and couldn't wait to go in the house and show my wife. I stayed outside to put window wash in the van and load up the van with boxes for a friend that is moving. I get done with that stuff and my wife comes out with a look on her face that she was just confused, sad, and speechless. I asked "whats wrong" she said "Our daughter is in her room because of her mouth and attitude".

Nothing New!!!

But when she explained "WHY" she was in her room , I was really speechless. The reason I was speechless was because of the "Self Centered" actions of her.

You see this last Sunday at church the "Kids Stuff" program was all about Serving Others and when you serve others you are serving JC. Like I said in recent posts I really learn things in this program also. The kids were told to try and do something for someone else this week for really no reason but to serve and help. The parent were also asked to try and do the same thing.

Ok, so I have tried to do this for all my family this week and I feel I have done a good job. My son was the last one I needed to do something for and I found out yesterday he had a flat tire, so what a great way to do something nice for him. So before I picked up my daughter today I snuck his tire out of the trunk to get it plugged. Come to find out he must of "hit" something "ask him he would have no idea" but now Im buying him a new tire. Serves me right for doing something nice "get it "SERVES" me. Ha Ha . He doesn't have any idea yet and most likley wont even realize the tire is missing. Ok back to subject at hand.

Come to find out a letter came for her today from a leader at Elm Brook church. In the letter it explained to her "what a great mother she has and what a great servant her mother is and she should be so proud of her mother". Well she wanted NOTHING to do with that letter. Why you ask? Because it wasn't about HER! She was mad and wanted her to stop reading because "she didn't care". There was also a chip for a ice cream at Culver's for her. She didn't know that cause she didn't take the time to get that far. My wife had to get going to Teen Mops to lead so I had to deal with this one.

So.

I let her sit up there and cry and yell for awhile. She finally came down and I asked her what the problem was. She responded that "she has NO problem". I continued to ask her "why" she wouldn't listen to mom read the letter to her. She responded that"the letter wasnt about her and had nothing to do about her". I asked her "what did you learn in Kids Stuff this week"? She said "I dont know".
I continued to tell her that I was very disappointed in her "not mad" but disappointed. I suggested that she sit down and listen to the letter and than go up stairs and write in her own words what it was about. After a bit more "discussion" she agreed. I read the letter she went up stairs and came down a bit later with this,

This letr is all abute of srving.

I am sory mom.

Love Gabby

Cod you frre give me.

Ok how cute is that and at least she was listening at church, even though her brain doesn't recognize when to use the lessons yet.

So I feel that Im doing something wrong for her to act so self centred a lot of the time. She sees all the time my wife serves at teen mops and I try to help when needed and do other things. But I feel the most important part a serving is when no one else knows and you dont get any recognition for it. But in todays time most people dont serve "Unless they get recognized about it" its about them and what they do and not for who they do it for.

But, I feel in this case with trying to teach my daughter about serving we "need to let her know when we are serving and why". Is that the right thing or not? I just feel she really needs to start putting others first instead of herself for a change.

"We have met the enemy, and he is us." The whole struggle of life is to grow past being a self-centered self-serving isolated individual. We are born thinking we are the center of life, and hopefully we grow past that perception. Those that stay self-centered are the evil in our world. The part of me that is self-centered is evil, too. The phrase "put Jesus on the throne of your life" refers to putting an end to doing what you want to do (because you are on the throne of your life) and doing what Jesus wants you to do, because you now serve Him.

Thats what we all need to teach our children and our family. I know I still need to work on this also.

My Comparison To True Friendship

Ok, my last post was really about forgiveness, but it also was about "Friendships".

I guess everyone looks at friendships in many different ways. What friendships mean to each other and what type of different friendships we need or want in our lives.

I know that I take "TRUE FRIENDSHIP" very seriously. A true friend will stand by you no matter what, no matter what the reason.

A friend means well, even when he hurts you. But when an enemy puts his hand round your shoulder - watch out!"

So I was at a Soccer game tonight. It was an game against the Wave and The Mexican All Star Team. (Players that are huge in Mexico and in any Hispanic communities).

I would have to say it was about 85% Hispanic fans there. The love and loyalty they showed for these players was amazing. You never see that at a plain old wave game. The cheering and singing the fans did I could not believe.

These fans treated the players like loyal "true" friends. Even when the player made a bad foul "purposely" the fans supported their player. Like a true friend would support and be there for a friend that needs support. Even if the friend knows the "foul" was wrong, and maybe explain why they think its wrong, but will still try and support their friend and help them. They dont Judge!

In the end the wave beat them very bad. But the fans stayed and cheered and still love their team no matter what the out come was. They stuck by the team and gave love and support.

The LORD Jesus Christ gave us the definition of a true friend in John. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you" (John 15:13-15).

How would you interpret that? Other than giving your life.

Some one has said that if you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand, you are blessed. A friend is one whom you can be yourself with and never fear that they will judge you. A friend is someone that you can confide in with complete trust. A friend is someone you respect and that respects you, not based upon worthiness but based upon a likeness of mind.

That is what I believe. I also "think it means "you cant be true friends with every person you know. That you need to have different types of friendships and if you have only one or two "true friends" you are blessed. Because no one can have everyone one be a true friend. And you cant be true to everyone also. Also you dont have many "TRUE" friends in a life time.

Thats just my thoughts are they right , maybe or maybe not.

Should We Ever Grow Up?

Well that is the question that Im asking myself today

"Should we ever grow up"

What do I mean by that you might be asking?

Over the past few weeks there has been some "stuff "that has happened between people I know and if you really think about it , it is just like seventh grade stuff. This person is talking to this person so that person is mad at that person so another person is afraid to talk to that person because the other person may get mad at them. Got that all?

Now believe me the one person has their reasons why they are upset (mad is a bad word, I feel upset is better). I 100% see their reasoning for being upset and hurt.

My problem is I feel I cant comfort this person with the right words,even though I understand what they are feeling and going through. I think to myself would I feel this way if this happened to me. Yes I would to a point, but would I let it go to the point that they are letting it go. I cant honestly say yes or no until I would be put in that situation.

The problem that Im having with this is, The one person that has been hurt has told this other person all the reasons that they are hurt and told them how bad they hurt them. Also explained that they were not mad but really hurt and that they thought the world of their friendship. After being told these things the person really hasnt had any response or hasnt attempted to even try to make things some what right. They just think that the person is wrong for being hurt by their actions and it seems that there may not be a way to make things up.

I know it sound so seventh grade but remember back than when that childish stuff like this happened back then how everyone "took sides" for awhile and then in a week or so everyone just forgot about it and all was back to normal.

Why doesn't that happen when we are grown. Why cant we just forgive and move on and try again? I truly believe everyone deserves a second (or maybe third chance). But as adults we just dont do that anymore or we dont let ourselves do it.

Believe me Im in a mess also with a person I was close to and I really hurt them in some ways.
I accepted it and have made EVERY attempt to make it right and this person just wont let me back in and I cant understand. Im truly sorry for what I did, but they wont give me forgiveness.

How can children just forgive so easy and move on like things never have happened but us as adults cant, wont or dont?

Should we be the ones teaching our children about forgiveness but it seems like that we can learn a lot about life from children.

I have learned lately in church that JC will forgive us for just about everything and anything. Im sure there is something in the bible about this (anyone knows please share). So if he can forgive everyone why is it so hard for other people to forgive and see hurt and be sorry for their actions?

Maybe we should all try and keep some childness in ourselves.