Just About To Give up In The Faith And The Search

Well as my title says "Im just about to give up in the Faith and the Search"

What Im seeing at this point in time are people out there that say that they are "Christians" but there actions are not of one. Also there are people out there that arent "Christians" and act better than the so called ones.

My mind is so very confused this last week. I was thinking that im wasting my time and energy trying to understand what a "Christian" is. If it was what I have been seeing and hearing from them I really want no part of it. It just seems that you can do what you want and say what you want and there should be no consequences because they are "Christians" they go to church they volunteer blah blah blah!!

This past week has been HORRIBLE for my wife. She has been deeply hurt by "so called Christians" and she is at her wits end. She wants to act on the actions of these people but knows that they would be wrong and she has not acted. Dont get me wrong these people have hurt me also but I just let it roll off me and I have learned not to react, I think not reacting can say more than reacting.

My wife has been very edgy to say the least. Shes acting like I used to do, snapping at everything and everyone for what ever reason. Keeping things boxed in. I think she doesnt have anyone to talk to or that would understand what she is feeling. I think that she does have friends to talk to she just needs to to can I vent to you!

I consider my wife a "Good Christian". She does allot for her Teen Mops and cares so much for those girls. They need so much help and they need that unconditional love. She loves all of them UNCONDITIONAL" no matter what their past or what they have done or doing now. She does it with not expecting anything in return but to help make a life change for the better. She also knows a bunch about the bible and can quote things out of it and apply the quotes to life and situations that are going on with people. She tries to live her life as a "Good Christian" and if she makes a mistake she knows it and asks to forgiveness.

So last Friday night I was at the point to just throw in the towel with the bible and JC and the whole christian thing.

We have friends that their "kid" plays bball at The Fox on Sat mornings. So I got up VERY early in the morning to go watch him play. Well I get there and guess what, he was done last week. Also every third week at the Fox they have Mens Breakfast. So I was there and I decided to go. I knew NO ONE so I sat down in the corner all by my self. After a bit the room started to fill and people had to sit by me. Let me tell you not one of the men even said Hi to me. So again I asked myself would a good "Christian" say hello and make someone feel welcome? I would think so. I know you say "You could of said something". Yes, I could of but Im scared of everyone there!!! Not physically but religiously. Im afraid they will ask me about religion things that I have No idea about. Or ask me what church I go to or when I accepted JC or ask me to pray with them, "I have NO idea how to pray"! But no one spoke to me anyways.

So I was sitting out at a table checking voice mail and after I was done someone came up to me and sat down. It was Pastor GUY the big cheese himself. I thought to myself on no what is he going to ask me. Would he say I wasnt welcome or quiz me about the bible. Ya know what, he just like anyone else. Just a person that likes sports, has kids (one thats a keeper), hurt his knee, just a real guy!!! We talked about some things and he knows that I havnt accepted JC yet. He told me that it may take weeks, month, even years until Im ready. He assured me that I was welcome anytime at Fox. That made me feel MUCH better and I wont think he will be looking at me thinking that I shouldnt be there.

Sunday my wife and I went to church and it was a BLAST!! P Guy makes it so fun and enjoyable. I could listen to him all the time and now knowing hes just a guy makes it more fun to listen to him. He goes through the same things you or I do.

He had us read a quote from the bible.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Make sense to me!!
My daughter and I read the whole thing last night. It was nice.

"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control"

That is SO totally me!!!!! A FOOL!!!! I always just speak whats on my mind and it just comes out as Im thinking it. I speak without thinking.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue"

"You can speak truth and bring Death"

WOW that is so me!!!!!! Now ive never killed anyone by my words but I know I sure have hurt people. For that I am sorry and ask forgiveness from them.

I will take those quotes to heart and Think before I speak and also try to realize that even speaking the truth could hurt and when is the time to speak the truth and when is the time to just bite my tongue.


Im not going to give up yet!!!!

If I can relate myself to some of these quotes I must be learning something and apply to my life and family.

How And Who Can Give Me The Answers

I just have a lot of questions that would be nice to get an answer for.


In the past few months I have really feel like Im been going through some changes (for the better I think). Im looking at things different, my actions are different and my thoughts are changing.

I know that by these things happening it is affecting people around me. Some people like it and I come to be live some not liking it to much.

You may ask what type of changes, here's a few that I know.

I go to Church when ever I can and LISTEN and take to heart what Im listening to.

I dont yell in my home anymore.

I try not to swear anymore and speak more positive.

I spend more quality time at home with my family.

I listen to my wife.

I have tried to forgive people that have hurt me.

I have tried and asked for forgiveness from people who I have hurt.

I think about the re-actions of my actions a bit more.

I try to help people that need it even if they dont ask for help.

I try to read the bible and understand it (much easier with the new one my wife got me).

I really try and want to believe everything in it.

Ive stopped spending so much time with people that are not good influences for me and or family.

I want to spend time with good influences "they are always busy"

I dont talk about people behind their backs or bad mouth people.

I could go on and on.

So why are "bad" things still going on and happening to me and my family.

Why do the people I ask forgiveness from cant?

Why do people continue to bad mouth me?

Why do people try to hurt me though hurting my wife?

Why cant people understand and be happy for me and my changes?

Why do some people think Im crazy for wanting to spend time with my family?

Why?


Dont get me wrong I have a LONG way to go with things. I need to work on lots of stuff.

By far Im not perfect and have I done bad things in my life. YES. Have I hurt people with words? Yes. Actions? Yes. Will it happen again? I hope not but it could and maybe with out me knowing Im doing it.

A lot of you know I coach youth soccer and I really want to start to use what Ive learned and what Im doing in my life with my teams. How do I do that? I dont want to look like a "bible thump er". Also Im in no position to preach things I have so much to still learn. Now a days religion is such a fine line.

But I feel that the lessons Im learning isnt just religion its a way of life and a way that I feel people should do and act out in their life , even if they have never gone to church. Do you understand?

So is there a way to intertwine those lessons without seeming like Im shoving church done their throats?

I really feel it can make my teams stronger as a whole at home and on the field.

How do I explain to friends that I dont want to lead my life the way they are without hurting them or them being made at me. I dont want to stop being friends , just not include myself so much with their activities?

I know my son is confused with me right now. He sees the changes and thinks they are weird or something. Do I sit down with him and try to explain why I am doing this or do I wait for him to come to me?

Will my new feelings make me a weaker person? Im the type of person that really has never cared about what people thought of me. I could care less. But now I catch myself feeling bad or kinda sad when I hear people dont like me or are talking bad about me. Is that weakness.

Will I ever feel strong enough to accept JC into my life and will he accept me?

When will I know that its the time?

If anyone can help with any of this PLEASE do so!!!!!!!!!

Trust, Gossip and Family

Well its been awhile for me to post. Lots been happening with my family and it just seems like there is not enough time in the day anymore to live life let alone blog.

Lets see , Im gonna jump around here a bit and type as things come to mind.

Trust.

OK, we have a friend that we borrowed some cash to a few years ago and he did pay it back but it took FOREVER to get it back from him. This is a person that is going through some really bad family problems, divorce, a child with a physical handicap and another little boy and a high pressure job. This has been going on with him for a few years now. And also $$$$ problems (mainly due to all the medical bills for his daughter). He LOVES his children and would do anything for them. Well I am ALWAYS trying to call him, talk to him , you know just be there for him if he needs someone. Well for some reason he never calls back or takes advantage of me wanting to be there for him. Maybe he is embarrassed of all his problems and sees me and my family so perfect (yeah right). But I do consider him a good friend even though he doesn't talk to me much.

Well last Monday I called him at his job and he ANSWERED his cell. I asked whats up and I could tell something was wrong. He was almost in tears from his voice. I asked what was wrong, and he said he had gotten himself into a major problem.

What he did was "borrow" some cash in a deal to pay some back property taxes or he was going to loose his house. He was going to submit the deal that Friday with the money from his bonus check. Well someone saw the deal and asked the head people "why it wasn't in yet". The V.P. took him into his office and he came clean and explained why he did it. The V.P. wanted this to stay on the down low but he had to have the cash turned in with the deal that day or he had no choice to "let him go".

Ok, now he NEVER even asked for us to help him out and never insinuated it to me. He just said he needed to go and try a figure things out.

So I know we can help him out until Friday with cash that I needed Friday for a bill. I call my wife and told her about what was going on and I told her I wanted to help him. Well she was surprised I think because of the last time. She wasn't really for it but she said she could tell it was something I really wanted to do, so it was up to me. But to remember if he doesn't pay it back on Friday that Im up a creek.

I REALLY thought he would pay it back right away. So I called him up and he was in a meeting at that point with the V.P.. I asked him if he was able to take care of his problem and he said NO and he was going to be fired in a few minutes. At that point in time I told him to tell his boss that it was taken care of and would be in by days end.

We took care of it and he had his job. He couldn't believe that I helped him out because he feels hes not the best of friends because of how he blows me off so much. I told him that Im a unconditional friend and would always be there for him.

Friday came and he paid back every penny!!

So for those of you who read this.

Is he a bad person for doing what he did?
If it meant saving your house for your children would you do the same thing?

JOB 38:41 "Who provides food for the raven when its young cry out to god and wander about for lack of food"

I feel he had no other choice to provide. Its hard to say what you would do in that position.

Gossip:

I really wish people would stop it!!

I asked this person to read Proverbs and maybe it would help them. There is a lot about gossip in there.

Family:

Wow, where do I begin I could write forever!!!

My son wrecked his car "his fault". My daughter broke her foot "her fault". My wife fell and hurt her leg " houses fault". So it has been VERY edgie around here and I feel like im on pins and needles sometimes.

This has really tested our family and me. With all this going on I used to just blow and yell and leave go to soccer and be in my own world.

Ive done the best I can. We haven't been able to go to church the last 2 weeks due to snow. It s been hard I feel myself slipping back into old ways but I caught myself but not hearing P Guy and his talks I think I need that.

We went this Sunday and it was about marriage "For Better Or Worse". It is great what P Guy says gods wants us to do in marriage. The word "Unconditionally" came up. We should LOVE our wives all the time with that word. The wives should respect us guys that word all the time. Thats what god wants.

One last thing. The church is planning on going to Africa for a mission trip and I REALLY WANT TO GO!!! There is something inside me that is telling me I need to go. Maybe it will be the turning point with me accepting JC.
My wife doesn't want me to go because she cant at this point, I would really love to do something with her in the future when time allows and kids grow.

I just really hope the JC comes to her and shows her that is something he wants me to do and I can go with her blessing.


'