Ok, this is my first post on this page.
I really feel my life is so going in so many directions at this point in time. I really want to be shown the direction to go. But from who.
I cant trust myself, it seems every time I think myself and family are going in the right direction, something happens to show that its the wrong direction. I feel that I have hurt my family ( really my wife ) by leading her into friendships that have hurt her so bad. Its to the point that she will not let people into her life. People that may be true friends to her, people that want to be her friend because of her not because of me and what I do. Im afraid shes may be missing out on true friendship. Thats my fault.
She has No relationship with her family (except mom and dad) because of me. They all hate me, they have from when we first met. I cant explain why, its just me.
My daughter cant understand why she has friends she plays with all the time and then all of a sudden they are gone and she cant play anymore. Its my fault.
To make anyone reading this understand what Im talking about, I coach a sport. Avery high level sport and I have the knack of creating very good teams and players. Which in turn draws people that want their children on my teams and also people want to learn from me and help me. I love to teach people how to coach like me, but than there becomes that relationship between me and them. A RELATIONSHIP THAT HAS ALWAYS TURNED INTO MORE THAN COACHING. It turns into a friendship between me and him, I always want my family to become involved and I want my wife to become friends with the family. So far it always ends uo hurting her because of issues with the sport.
I always explain that there is a line between me as a coach and me as your friend. I TRULY belive this and go by this. I separate the two, Im the coach at practice and games but after that Im a friend. I guess Im naive {sp} about this. I have learned that no matter what parents cant split the two. So are all parents of children only out for the best of thier kids no matter who they hurt. I hope not, time will tell. I could go on and give examples, in the future I will.
So we started to to go to a new church (should I say my wife has, as for me this is my first one really). I never grew up with church, I dont think I ever went as a kid with my family. I was baptised as Lutheran (couldnt even tell you what that means). So I never had anything or one to get hope from or look to.
So now we go to this new church, my wife wanted me to go with her one time to see if I like it and because some friends she serves with go there. Well let me tell you, the place is amazing. The programs they have for kids is great (I think). The Guy doing the talking (the paster) is great. (I know). He has this way of explaining things in "now terms" he will read stuff from the bible which makes no sense to me but when he explains it im like "OH thats what that meant".
Like I said before I grew up without ANY religion in my life never even touched a bible before four weeks ago. You know what "That book scares me" not in a run and hide way, but in a what if I had it growing up? Would I of turned out a better person. Would the horrible things that have happened to me have happened? Would my parents still be alive? I have so many "what ifs".
Back to the church and Guy, When he speaks Im just drawn to what he is saying and the story he is telling about some part of the bible just comes to life in my head and I can relate it to "NOW" times and problems we may be having.
But do I deserve to be there , do I belong there. I look around when the songs are sang and I see people singing, waving thier hands, jumping feeling the words. All I hear is the music and the words being sung, thats all they are to me are words and music, what should those things mean to me or do to me? I dont sing ,I dont bounce I just stand there and hear music and feel nothing.
Do I belong surrounded by people that have made the choice to accept JC into thier life and serve him.
Would JC accept me? Im not perfect, Ive done some pretty bad things in my life "knowing that they will hurt" can he forgive these thing. I dont think I could. I cant promise that I wouldnt hurt again.
I feel that Im using this church and its people and members. Im enjoying my time there learning life lessons from P.Guy but is it fair to them my wife and myself?
The church has this great program for kids. Its amazing! The things they try to teach the kids about how to live your life to its best. I have learned from this program too. I hope my children will learn from it.
We have a baby that we want to "dedicate" in this church. That means that we agree to raise him with JC in his life and in our house. "How can I make this promise if I dont know the first thing about JC, the bible, church and being a good christian" Will JC not accept him if his father hasnt accepted JC into his life? I dont know, who does?
Today the topic was about "Serving Others" and washing feet. I always heard about groups and people "washing feet" I always thought YUCK, how sick, why would these people do this, what crazy religion is this? I find out today that if you had your feet wash by JC it was the greatest honor you could of ever got. That was his way of showing us to "do as he does" and serve him and others. Feet washing was done by the lowest people back in time, "lowest people seen in that time" and JC showed that any person can do anything for anyone for no reason, he even washed the feet of a friend "he knew" was going to betray him.
Guy also used an OREO cookie to explain the importance of what you do with you life in between being born and passing away. "I Think Thats What He Was Getting Across To Me" One cookie is me being born and the other is my passing, but the "STUFF" in the middle is whats the most important, but people just remember the cookies. I know makes no sense but to me it does "kinda".
I look into the bible and read some things and "Im totally lost" I cant make anything of it. I need a bible that explains things to me in "NOW" terms. Or I need P Guy to read it to me.
My wife was asked to share some thing she was thankful for this past year and I only thought she would say the birth of our new son. She said she is thankful for finding this church, she feels it has brought us closer together as a family and she sees it in the home also by the things Im doing and so. I cant see any difference in myself but she does, why cant I see changes in myself? What am I doing different? Am I trying to raise my children in a JC home and dont even know it?
I could go on and on tonight my mind is all over the place about this stuff.
Ill continue later.
2 comments:
God is after you and believe it or not you are in a good place. You are also at a cross roads in your life. So you could go in a totally diffrent direction. don't let your fears or lack of knowledge hold you back. God will show you unbelievable things if you make the effort. And can he forgive you? Remember what I do and who I talk to daily :). Continue to seek him with your heart and your knowledge will blossom. As for what everyone else does remember God wants a relationship with you personally and not one with false intentions and pretenses. So your faith may not look like everyone elses. I have been praying for you, and I'm going to continue to pray for you and know God doesn't put people in your life just because. I'm here for you and any questions please contact me you know how. God Bless
Thanks for sharing this. Wow...I think it's exciting. As for the sport stuff--I can't imagine how hard it would be NOT to become friends with people you are with all the time. Maybe it's better to be just casual sport friends and not invite them into the rest of your life...I don't know because I think there are people out there can separate coach and friend. I know my hubby and I do. Remember my saying, just never cuss at him or we're gonna box!! :)
But know that everything is not your fault. You are not responsible for others actions and reactions. Even if you've made mistakes and said or done things you wish you could take back--you still aren't responsible for what and how others react. You can start new and truly let the past go--even if others won't.
The questions you're asking yourself probably seem very confusing and like they can't be answered. Similar to you when I started attending church--even tho we decided together to go--I felt very out of place. Like in service the words were so powerful to me, it seemed like he was talking directly to me. So that made me feel like I did belong. But when I looked at the "Christians" who attended--then I felt out of place. But I kept going. And I kept reading. And I got to know the "Christians" and realized that for the most part they were just like me. They struggled and had bad days, got frustrated with thier kids and said hurtful things to their spouse. The difference was that they apologized and meant it. They knew Christ had forgiven them for the sins they'd committed. They got back on track and started fresh with God. I had some background with church. But it was very minimal and actually just made me think church was a waste of time and only hypocritical people went there. What I'm finding out is that there are people who talk and act like God is the center of their life and he really isn't. BUT there are a lot more people who truly want to live like Jesus...who want to bring their kids into His family...who want to enjoy His forgiveness and know they are going to heaven.
You don't need to have all of the answers or know all of the prayers. You don't even have to understand the bible. You just have to surrender your life. Tell God that you can't do it on your own and that you need His help. Ask Him to forgive you and let you start fresh. And then do it. Keep going to church, trying to learn, reading the bible, maybe joining a class. He already knows everything. He knows what you've done and what you're going to do. He loves you more than you can imagine. As much as you love your family---times that by 2 million.
This is going to be an exciting blog to read because I think your story is awesome and the changes you're making are wonderful. Your wife loves you so much and she is so devoted to you. It's nice to see families pull together when things are hard instead of finger pointing.
As for a bible that explains things as you read...they do have those. My hubby got me one when we first started attending because there was so much I didn't understand and it gave me more background. I know we have others around--if you haven't already gotten one we'll get you one.
Blogs are good places to sort out thoughts and get feed back. I did let my hubby read it because I know he will have some good words of wisdom for you as well. I'm glad you started one and it will remain between us.
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